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TWENTY ONE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

2009-10-16T15:53:00.000+08:00

TWENTY ONE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

12 . The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

13 . Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

14 . Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

15 . Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

16 . Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

17 . Procrastinate Now!

18. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

19. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

20. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

21. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Adult Themed Jokes

2009-09-10T20:33:00.001+08:00

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to The Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the know-it-all Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

this guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that
his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met
by the doctor. they sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very
solemn look on his face starts to speak. but before he can, the guy interrupts.

guy: "doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. i just can't take it. really, i can't
take it. i love her."

doctor: "well, sir, i do have some bad news." again the guy interrupts.

guy: "doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

doctor: "as I was saying, we did all we could. right now she's in a vegatative
state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can
stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your
insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

the guy slumps, just crushed.

doctor: "with the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a
day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely
live for at least another 30 years."

the guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

doctor: "as I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll
have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for
your wife. i would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as
quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. you're gonna need the excess cash. It
should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for
the next couple of months. by then, you should be able to qualify for welfare
and other forms of state and federal aid."

by this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

the doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "hey, look at
me."

the guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "i'm just screwing with you,
she's dead."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:

"Just so you know-I happen to have a Rolls, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my penis!
Just send the bottle back!"

Download All Your Blogs with Blogger Backup, Easy Restoration

2009-09-05T20:27:00.000+08:00

Download All Your Blogs with Blogger Backup, Easy Restoration

Unlike WordPress, there’s no export feature in Blogger that can help you download or backup your blog entries and comments left by readers.There are however some third-party options and the best among them all is Blogger Backup. This Windows utility that saves your entire Blogger posts to the disk and can easily restore them in case you accidentally delete your blog or some of the posts.

You login with your Blogger / Google account and select one of the blogs that you want to archive locally. You can either save all your blog posts to one file or let the software create new file per blog entry. It can also backup reader comments.

If you ever want to recover blog posts that are in the local backup folder but deleted from the actual blog, just hit the "Restore Posts" button, select the entries and they’ll be back online in almost no time.

Blogger Backup follows the incremental backup style so if you run the software again after a week, only blog posts and comments published during this seven day period will be downloaded locally, not the entire blog.

Get Blogger Backup at CodePlex.com. Though we covered Blogger Backup some time back, that version did not play very well with the new Blogger but this new release fixes all the previous problems and is extremely fast. Highly recommended

The Ten Most Amazing Facts About Microsoft

2009-09-04T22:53:00.000+08:00

Interesting, bizarre and amusing facts about the largest software company in the world.

1. The First Documented Mention

The name Microsoft was used for the first time on the 29th November 1975 in a letter written by Bill Gates to the company co-founder Paul Allen. Then, it was written as "Micro-Soft". The registered trademark became the name of the company only after a year on the 26th November 1976

2. iPod and Google prohibited!

Microsoft CEO Steve Balmer urges his children to use Microsoft Products. In an interview with CNN, he said: "Like other kids, my kids are not raised very well. However, at least in one aspect i have brainwashed them - They do not use Google and iPod".

3. Microsoft in number game 1

Microsoft currently employs 95, 828 people in worldwide. Their average age is 37 and 74.7 percent of these are men, at least in the USA. All over the world Microsoft owns 88 properties, about 1,121,739.83 square meters.

4. The first Office was exclusively for Mac

The first version of Microsoft Office appeared in 1989. It was available on floppy or CD-ROM and it is only for one operating system - MAC OS. The Windows version of Word, Excel and PowerPoint followed only in the year 1990.

5. Exclusive Windows Sound

The start chime for Windows 95 was composed by composer Brein Eno and it was recorded with the help of an Apple Macintosh. *Yikes *
The various chimes in Windows Vista were composed by Robert Fripp, former guitarist of the band King Crimson.

6. Microsoft in number game 2

Microsoft Dining Service is responsible for catering to the employees in Redmond. On a daily basis it supplies approximately 2,200 pizza slices. Microsoft employees consume nearly 4 million cartons of milk, 7 million bottles of mineral water and just under two million tea bags every year.

7. Over 12,00 days in Microsoft

Bill Gates worked from 4th April 1975 till 27th June 2008 in the company co-founded by him. That is nearly 12,139 days including vacation and weekends.

8. Windows' great grandfather

The first Microsoft operating system was called Xenix. This descendant of Unix was launched in the market on 25th August 1980. Bill Gates had rather visualized it as a standard operating system for PCs but it did not turn out like that. Xenix Required a hard disk and 256 KB of working memory. During those times IBM-PCs had only a maximum of 64 KB RAM and for thousands of dollars, hard disk were rather expensive.

9. Save button with system error

The "Save" symbol in all Office programs prior to the 2003 version is faulty. In the stylized floppy disk, the slit of the opening was located on the wrong side.

10. 16 billion data sets in every Excel Table

Excel 2007 supports table with up to 16,000 columns and one million rows. Or in other words, up to 16,000,000,000 individual data sets.

You Are A Net Addict If

2009-09-01T21:56:00.001+08:00

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop by to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher."
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Pegasus.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the life support on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 33.6k modems.
You find yourself typing com after every period when using a word processor.com
You start introducing yourself as "JSmith874 at AOL dot com."
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Five of your BT Friends and Family numbers are modems.
Your cat has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

HOW TO: Customize Your YouTube Channel

2009-09-01T21:03:00.000+08:00

YouTube recently redesigned channel pages to make them more dynamic and easier to customize. The beta channels are now a hodgepodge of your uploads, favorites, playlists, and numerous in-channel editing options. Should you upgrade to the new design, you have a greater chance of creating an eye-catching channel that’s likely to keep your viewers engaged for longer.

YouTube originally made the redesigned channels available to a select group of elite members and new users. Now however, the video site is letting anyone upgrade their channel, and eventually they’ll be moving all remaining channels over to the new version.

As previously reported, the redesign allows for wider videos and better organized pages; the result is a viewer-friendly experience centered around your content. As such, we wanted to highlight some of the best ways to maximize the redesigned channels and show you how to customize them to your liking.

The Basics

First things first: upgrade your channel. There’s absolutely no reason not to. The new design is sleeker, more viewer-friendly, and is just more dynamic than the old design. Plus, it’s pretty painless to upgrade. Simply visit your Channel Design page and click “Upgrade my channel.”

You’ll notice immediately that most of your previous channel customizations are already carried over in the new design, which is good news if you put a lot of time and effort into designing your channel’s look and feel.

Now that you’ve upgraded, you’ll immediately want to edit the video content settings for your newly enhanced channel. Thankfully this can be done with just a few clicks. Find the edit button in upper right-hand corner to view the content selection menu. You can opt to display uploaded videos, favorites, playlists, or a combination of all three.

If you select the playlists option, you can then individually select the video playlists you want to include. You also have the option to adjust the featured content set and the featured video for your channel. Since the featured video is the one channel visitors will see first, we suggest you peruse your options to find the right setting.

In-Channel Editing

In-channel editing is the new black on YouTube, and though basic in concept — you can edit everything without leaving your channel — it’s a key time-saver and an incredibly useful upgrade.

You’ll notice that the new design is replete with editing options everywhere. You’ll want to take advantage of these to tweak the information displayed about you, your activity, and your videos.

Here’s what you can edit right from the channel page: recent activity, privacy settings, displayed settings for profile information, subscriptions, subscribers, friends, and channel comments, as well as channel settings, themes, and modules. You’ve got a lot of power right at your fingertips.

When it comes to theme and module editing, users with no CSS or design experience will find themselves completely at ease with beautifying their channel design. The themes and colors are pretty self-explanatory, so you can pick a preset theme, start toying with colors, and get an as-it-happens preview while you tweak. You can still upload a custom background image and adjust the coloring for every element of your channel. Once you’re done, just click save to publish the new design publicly.

Also make sure to take a quick look at the modules tab if you’re interested in removing or displaying content modules. You can do away with, or include, these modules: comments, recent activity, friends, subscribers, groups, and subscriptions.

Extra Channel Tips

Adjusting background image file size: One annoying thing about YouTube background images is that they’re constrained to 256 KB, which means if you have a high resolution image, you’re out of luck unless you’re able to compress the file size with a photo editor. If all of this sounds foreign, not to worry.

An easy way to downsize your image is to use an online photo editor like Picnik. Simply upload or access your online images from Flickr or Facebook, and click the “Save and Share” tab. You’ll notice that you can select from a few different photo formats (try JPG), and then use the sliding bar to compress the image file size below 256 KB. Click to save your photo, and now all you need to do is upload it to YouTube (Edit Channel -> Themes and Colors -> show advanced options).

Expand your color palette: YouTube also only lets you select from 64 different colors, but you can really use any browser-safe color by inputting the right hex code. Why not use a web color chart likethis one to have even more choices? Just enter the code of your choosing into the box next to the color palate, hit enter on your keyboard, and your preview is instantly updated.

Keep up with what’s new: YouTube has an under the radar blog dedicated to the Channels Beta project. Since this is a beta offering, YouTube is pushing out changes and adding new features on a very regular basis. Subscribe to this blog to be the first to know about what’s new.

Source : http://mashable.com/2009/08/02/customize-youtube-channel/

A-Z Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes

2009-08-31T21:34:00.000+08:00

0-60 in 15 minutes!
100% Irony Free
100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
7 days with out Jesus makes one weak
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A church alive is worth the surprise!!
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity
Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King.
All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.
AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It
Are you following Jesus this close?
As If
As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy
Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk
Ax Me About Ebonics
Baby on bored
Back the badge
Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
BARBIE AIN'T HERE!.
Be Human.
Be nice society already sucks.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.
Be the kind of friend you'd want.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
Beam me up Jesus.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
Beer: making woman look better since 1965.
Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Bill Clinton 89% Fact Free
Bite Me!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please....
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
BooYah!
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Boy bands. The spawn of Satan.
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
Boys Lie!
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS
But I Just Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Ass
Buy a gun support the constitution.
Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals.
Buy American!
Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard?
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!! ??
Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'!
Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde
CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is good...you go first!
Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine
Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way!
Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.
Clean up America. Kill a redneck!
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Clones are people 2
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
Conceive. Believe. Achieve.
Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confucious say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conserve toilet paper - use both sides.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers
DANGER: I drive like you do!
DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Deep down, divers care.
Democrats=Beaureaucrats: STUPID
Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!
Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)
Did you check if your horn works?
Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Disappointed? Too bad!
Divers get more tail.
Do I look like a freakin' People Person?
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn.
Do not put a question mark where God put a period.
Do they ever shut up on your planet.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?
D'oh!
Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink.
Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.
Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive
Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.
Don't delay, paint today
Don't Drink and Drive!
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
Don't drive and derive. Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Don't f*** with my head and I won't think with my dick!
Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't laugh it's paid for.
Don't laugh; your daughter may be in back.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't make me go medieval on you.
Don't miss heaven for the world.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie.
Don't start with me you won't win!
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't trust women.
Don't wish for it...work for it.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!
Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..
Drop Dead
Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
Dyslexics Have More Fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Dyslexics Untie!
E. coli Happens
Each day is a gift.
Eagles Don't Flock.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later.
Earth first... We will strip the other planets later.
Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Editing Is A Rewording Activity
Elvis has left the planet.
Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself
Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery
Enjoy life it's not a dress rehearsal.
Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be
Eschew Obfuscation
Eschew Obfuscation
ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication)
Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Every thing is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Don’t Have Film.
Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion
Everything i need to know i learned in prison
Everything is possible just not too probable.
Everything Is Somewhere.
Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you.
EXIT
F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm!
Faster than a speeding ticket.
Fat chicks make my car scrape!
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
Fight Socialism...Vote Republican
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering...
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!
FLORIDA: Home of Electile Dysfunction
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !!
Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.
For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes!
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Forget World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Friends don't let friends drive naked!!
Friends don't let friends miss out on heaven.
Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.
Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!
Get over it!
Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.
GIMMIEABREAK!
Give blood and you too can get a free bumper sticker.
Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go Braless! It will pull the wrinkles from your face.
Go On, I will See You At The Next Light.
God Bless Our Troops.
God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.
God Must Love Stupid People, He Made So Many
God must love stupid people...he made so many!
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
Got Brains?
Got Goth?
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Graduate Soon! Millions On Welfare Depend On You
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man
Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional.
Gun control is a steady hand.
Gun control today, Total control tomorrow.
Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Hang up and drive!
Hang up and drive!
HANG-UP & DRIVE
Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!!
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
Have you bitch slapped an environmentalist today?
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu??
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE
HE IS ABLE WHO THINKS HE IS ABLE!
HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONQUERS YOU.
He who angers you, controls you!
He who farts in church sits on his own pew.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Heck is for people that don't believe in Gosh.
Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
HELP, I AM LOST AND CANNOT FIND MY BEER!
Hey dumb ass I bought my own car, not mommy and daddy!
Hey idiot- You're driving a car, not a phone booth
Hey man, you live in America now... speak Spanish!
High beams were made to piss people off!
Hogwarts Dropout
HOME SCHOOL. Smarter than ever.
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Honk if I'm Jesus!
Honk if you are blond.
Honk if you hate noise pollution!
Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton!
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Honk if you love boy bands - then drive into a tree.
HONK IF YOU LOVE GORE (use the button on your steering wheel)
Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you love Rush.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
Hope dies last!
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
Housework makes women ugly.
How about never? is never good for you?
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
How may i ignore you today?
How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK
huked on foniks werkd fer me
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
I admire gay men, they leave more women for me!
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am not speeding I am qualifying.
I am overjoyed with whelm!
I am represented by the Law Firm of Dewey, Chedum, and Howe.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
I believe the Internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!!
I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.
i can resist everything except temptation.
I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
I do work for food.
I Don’t Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ
I Don’t Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It
I don't decaf
I don't do mornings.
I don't do requests.
I DON'T DRINK IT DULLS THE DRUGS.
I don't drive fast I fly low.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't repeat gossip.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
I drank what?
I Drive Like This To Piss You Off
I drive like this to piss you off!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I Feel Like I’m Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushin’ My Luck
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
I hate bumper stickers!
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it.
I have BAD PMS and GOOD BRAKES.... you must be feeling very lucky today.
I have no desire for money. Its stuff that i want.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00
I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I just love nonverbal communication!
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.
I know...I know...pull over
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
I left the womb for this?
I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love animals - they taste great!
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
I love my country but fear my government.
I love my job...shoot me now!
I love uranus.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!.
I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you.
I may have PMS, but you're still a dick!!
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
I must hurry, for there they go and i am their leader.
I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?
I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
I press charges
I pretend to work they pretend to pay me!
I put in contacts for this?
I see dumb people.
I should never have invented the electoral college. -Al Gore
i souport publik edekasion
I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
I swerve for cats.
I talk to strangers
I Think Feminists Are Cute!
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I Took An IQ Test And The Results Were Negative.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
I Used To Be Indecisive. Now I’m Not Sure
I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
I WANT YOU to stay far away from me
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
I Was Born Brilliant; Education Ruined Me
I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
I wish I lived in New York, so I could have Voted Against Hilary!
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
I wish I were a glow worm a glow worm is never glum, because how could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I Wonder How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges
I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’m insured by the mafia, you hit me and we'll hit you.
I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off.
I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing.
I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want?
I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q."
I'd rather be a failure at something i love, than a success at something i hate.
I'd rather be fishing!
Idiots surround me!
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It ‘Til It Is
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
IF ITS TOO LOUD YOUR TOO OLD
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.
If life is just a game then I must have missed the kickoff.
If life's an idiot then you must the god.
If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
If something goes without saying - LET IT!
If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE?
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
If we weren't meant to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are reading this you are reading off a gay internet site...
If you can do the time, you can do the crime.
If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
If you can read this I can deploy your air bag!!!
If you can read this I have lost my caravan.
If you can read this sign you must be a Florida Republican.
If you can read this the bitch fell off.
If you can read this you are too close..
If you can read this you're in range.
If you can read this, I am parked.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
If you can read this, roll me over.
If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!
If you can read this,you were hooked on phonics once...
If you can read this. thank a teacher.
If you can read this... I've lost my trailer!
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
iF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE TAKE A HIKE!
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.
If you get any closer I'll fart!
If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth.
If you smoke after s e x you're doing it too fast.
If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother
If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver!
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RECESSITATE ME" on your chest!!!
If your gonna be a turd then go lie out in the yard.
If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
I'll not stop
Illiterate? Write For Free Help
I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Keep honking I'm reloading.
I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.
I'm back by popular demand.
I'm feeling uppity
I'm leaving my body to science fiction
I'm looking forward to regretting this!
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
Im not tailgating im just tring to keep my bumper on.
I'm not your monkey
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.
I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
I'm only here to ANNOY!!
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.
I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
I'm with the band.
I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
In theory, everything works.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road!
IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
It’s been one of those days all week
It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.
It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.
It's a wonderful life.... With me.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Its always too early to quit.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been Monday all week.
It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
Its not that i'm afraid to die. I just don't wanna be there when it happens.
It's not the size of the boat that matters; it's the motion in the ocean.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.
I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!
I've forgotten more than I've ever learned
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've lost my phone number - can I have yours?
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
I've upped my standards, now up yours!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Jerry's dead, Phish sucks, get a job.
Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!
Jesus is coming... Look busy.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you're an ass hole.
Jesus saves lives and them redeems them for valuable prizes.
Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores!
Join the IRS (Be audit you can be)
Judge me all u want. Just keep the verdict to yourself!
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.
Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.
Keep honking, I am reloading!.
Kevorkian for Surgeon General
Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Kiss me, i'm toxic
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh and the world laughs with you cry and the world laughs at you.
Laughter, cries and all that is wise...
Learn from your parent's mistakes use birth control!
Lets get along with me.
Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.
Life is a lesson you'll learn it when you're through.
Life is a terminal disease.
Life is just one of those things.
Life is like a straw it sucks.
Life is not a garden, so quit being a hoe!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
Life Sucks. and it leaves some mean hickies
Life. Its just a cereal
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
Life's a garden, dig it.
Life's expensive; drive defensive.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
Life's way too short to stay on topic
Listen to the silence!!
Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse behind.
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Look before you open your eyes.
Look out! Behind you!
Lord, please save me from your followers.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love for all, Hatred for none
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
Man made beer, God made pot you make the choice.
Maybe Jesus Loves You, But Everyone Else Thinks You’re An Asshole
Mean people suck.
Men are idiots and i married their king.
Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit!
Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks.
Men are proof that women have a sense of humor.
MEN. bigger. stronger. better.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you they can't laugh either.
Mistakes are proof that you are trying.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
More people I meet, more I like my dog....
Most Americans have Faith... You can tell by the Way They Drive
Most people plan to serve God at 11:00 and die at 10:30!
Musicians Duet Better
My boss is like a diaper, full of shit and always on my ass!
My boss treats me like a mushroom; He feeds me shit, and keeps me in the dark.
My child beat up your honor student!
My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary.
My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.
My child was inmate of the month at the County Jail.
My favorite color is chocolate.
My god can beat up your god
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
My IQ came back negative!
My karma ran over your dogma.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other auto is a 9MM.
My other car is a piece of shit.
My other car sticker is funny.
My other ride is your mom
My other toy has tits.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
My Reality Check Just Bounced
My son can kick your son's honor student butt.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I'll miss her.
National Atheist's Day April 1
Never cut what you can untie.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No glove no love.
No matter how bad it gets, It can always get worse.
No matter where you go; you're there.
No prohibiting allowed!
No Radio - Already Stolen!
No Sense Being Pessimistic. It Wouldn’t Work Anyway
No soup for you..
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
Non-Partisan. Non-Republican.
Not a RULES type of girl.
Not all who wander are lost.
Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car
Nothing Is Foolproof To A Sufficiently-Talented Fool
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn't have to do it.
Now That You Are Kissing My Bumper... Wanna Get Married?!?!?!
Nuke the Whales.
Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!
Oh look! just 2,852,677 more days til i start caring what you think.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers
One more repo and I’ll be debt free!
Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger live in the White House.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Overpopulation... too much of a good thing.
Pain is inevitable misery is optional.
Pardon My Driving. I’m Reloading
Park in rear
Pay good teachers good money
People before profits!
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
Please! do not feed the ego!
Police line. DO NOT CROSS.
Pol-I-Tics poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.
Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Proud mother of a delinquent child!
Pull my finger.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quiet brain! or I'll poke you with another Q-tip.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rap Is To Music What Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art
Real Men Love Jesus!
Real women don't have hot flashes they have power surges.
Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can’t Handle Drugs.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS
Rehab is for quitters.
RELISH TODAY...KETCHEUP TOMORROW
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.
Remember My Name – You’ll Be Screaming It Later
Remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Repetition is always better the second time.
S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees)
S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights
Santa’s Elves Are Just A Bunch Of Subordinate Clauses
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Save a tree, eat a beaver.
Save on gas, go fart in a jar.
Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set
Save Your Breath – You’ll Need It To Blow Up Your Date!
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
Say say NO thank you.
Scixelsyd Etinu (backward)
Screw you guys, I'm going home!
Seen It All, Done It All, Can’t Remember Most Of It
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
She’s Always Late. Her Ancestors Arrived On The June Flower
Sheesh!
Short Chicks rock!
Simplify
Sleep well Mum.
Slow thinkers keep right.
Smile and at nice.
Smile and the world smiles with you, Fart and you stand alone.
Smile. It’s The Second Best Thing You Can Do With Your Lips.
Smile.........show off your teeth.
SNIPER BAR & GRILL: All you need is one shot!
so close to read it!
So many cats.... So little time.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
So you're a feminist - isn't that cute!
Some have morals; some don't, and most simply ignore them.
Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them
Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorry, you are not a winner
Spank Me!
Spare the fenders, save the trees, give the sober friend the keys.
Squirrel...it's what's for dinner.
sticker and watch the road!!!")
Stop global whining.
Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Study long study wrong.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Stupid should hurt!
Stupidity should be punished.
Stupify
Suburbia: Where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them.
Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!
Super Bowl is french for...sitting on your ass and getting fat.
Support a cause stop plate tectonics.
Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
Support publik edekasion
Support yogurt, it's the only culture some people have.
Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking is bad for you. You always known that, just like everybody else. So if you do it for 20 or 30 years, don't come crying to the courts if it makes you sick. How stupid are you anyways?
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
Take me drunk I' m home.
Talk only if you can improve on the silence.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Thank You...YOU MAY GO!!
Thanks for being a contestant.
That’s all I'm saying and I ain't saying no more.
The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken that smoked pot?
The beatings will continue until employee morale improves.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.
The horn blows does the driver!
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
The Lord made us all different... Democrats want to make us all the same!
The meek will Internet the world.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live.
The more you listen, the more you know.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The princess is in.
The road to hell is paved with democrats!
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
The Second Place Is The First Loser
The Sex Was So Good That Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette.
The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The squeaky wheel is often replaced.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
There are only three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
There are only two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead!!!!
There are only two things in life you can count on: Death and Taxes.
There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust & those who eat it..
There is no shortcut to anywhere worth going.
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
They told me I was gullible...then they took it out of the dictionary.
They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!
THINK before you ACT.
This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This car is protected by an anti-theft sticker!
This is not an abandoned car.
This is the rebel base.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson.
This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Those Who Live By The Sword Get Shot By Those Who Don’t
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time Circles: The Lord Creates The Universe Evolves The Lord
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
To all you virgins; thanks for nothing!
To be loved, be lovable
To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.
To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy.
To you it's a six-pack; to me it's a support group.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
Too many freaks, not enough circus's!
Try it sober!
Turn Signals: Not just for smart people anymore.
Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS!
Unlike online, in reality, you can’t hit the back button.
Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!
Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Up My Clothes.
visualize whirled peas
Vote BUSH/CHENEY
Want to be somebody? Don't drive after drinking.
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
WARNING: mental backup in progress.
Was today really necessary?
WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are having EVER so much fun!
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
Welcome to California. Now go home!
Welcome to reality...come again soon.
Welcome To Shit Creek – Sorry, We’re Out Of Paddles
Well, isn't that special!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about?
What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
wHAT IS THIS? BIZARROLAND??
What part of http://www.getalife.com do you not understand?
WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO!
What would Xena Do?
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
What, are you stuck on stupid.
Whatever!
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING.
When I die bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass.
When I married 'Mr. Right,' I didn't know his first name was 'always.'
When i want your opinion i'll beat it out of you.
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in.
When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Where is this porn?
Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.
Where there's a will there's a BEER!
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Which came first, the woman or the department store?
Who are these kids and why are they calling me MOM?
Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
who needs this crap.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Who's Your Daddy?
Why am I so thirsty when I drank so much last night?
Why are girls that way?
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Why be normal?
Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up?
Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they call it a bumper if your not going to use it?
Why do we believe everything we see in newspapers but question what the Bible says?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
WHY ME?
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Without pain and suffering you have no choice!
Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!.
Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!
Yes, in fact...my father does own this road.
Yesterday I knew nothing today I know that.
You ain't seen nothin' yet...
You Are Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot
You are driving to close I can see your bald spot.
YOU ARE HERE!
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
You can't be late until you show up.
You get all this and my dads loaded.
You have been a naughty boy, go to my room!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted And Used Against You
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
You just lived your best moment, now GO live another!
You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.
You went on vacation and all i got was this stupid bumper sticker?
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
YOU! Out of the gene pool.
You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me
Your Child May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still An Asshole
Your honor student deals the best drugs.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your such a Muggle!
Your village called, their idiot is missing.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
You're not the boss of me!

Things You'd Like To Say At Work, But Can't

2009-08-31T21:24:00.000+08:00

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.

2009-08-31T21:23:00.000+08:00

What Is MARKETING?

1 . You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -
"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. -
"That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her:
"I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him -
"That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. -
"That's restriction for entering new markets"

2009-08-28T23:46:00.000+08:00

A Blonde Diary

Top 30 Reasons Why Cars Are Better Than Women

You can look at pictures of nice cars all you want to and not feel like a pervert.
You can lust after another car and your current car won't care.
You can hang any kind of car picture in your dorm room and not get in trouble.
Women can't go 200 miles per hour.
A woman can't carry four of your friends on a road trip.
You can replace your car any time you want and not feel bad.
A car doesn't have girlfriend cars that will talk about you and tell her that you are not good for her.
You can't install sub-woofers in a woman.
You can rub and wax a car in your driveway and not get arrested.
Car's don't care if you leave them in the garage overnight.
Cars don't care if you go on a trip for three weeks and don't call them.
I f you are nice enough, your friend will almost always let you borrow their car.
You can get together with friends and compare cars and not sound like pigs.
Car's don't get mad at you for no reason every 28 days.
You can have two cars at once and they won't be jealous of each other.
Cars don't have relatives that you have to be nice to.
You can always test drive a car before making a commitment.
Car's come with an owners manual.
Your car does not care if you get fat and walk around with no shirt on.
You have 100% complete control over the direction of that car at all times.
You can stare at nice cars in a parking lot and your car won't care.
You can't put a bumper sticker that says "How's my driving? Dial 1-800- EAT-S*IT!" on a woman.
Car's could not care less about commitment.
You don't mind too much if your friends always want a ride in your car.
If your car is being repaired, you can usually get a loaner car.
If you are 21, you can legally rent a car. 'Nuff said..
You can complain about how ratty your car looks and people think it's funny.
You can sell your car to a complete stranger and nobody will get mad at you.
A woman does not have keyless entry or remote ignition
and finally. There are 50 year old cars that still look good

Romantic 1st lines.... Deadly 2nd lines

2009-08-25T21:13:00.000+08:00

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

2009-08-25T21:08:00.001+08:00

The Economy Is So Bad That

I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
Even people who aren’t in Barack Obama’s cabinet aren’t paying taxes.

Oh wait, that’s only 9 of them… darn recession is scaling down everything

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ‘

‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?’

It tell me…’You dumber than buffalo shit.. It means someone stole the tent.

Be Careful What You Name You Children

2009-08-25T21:06:00.001+08:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children’s names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.’

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: ‘Your obsession is alcohol.This too shows itself in your children’s names: Brandy and Sherry.

You even called the cat, “Whisky” He then turned to the fourth Mum June: “Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s go pick up Fanny and Willy and go home.’

Joke

2009-08-13T17:55:00.001+08:00

Joke of the Week

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

Survivor- A Harry Potter Comedy.

2009-07-31T01:02:00.000+08:00

This story is a comedy about the Harry Potter characters stuck in a minivan! The one who stays in the minivan the longest wins. The ones who leave lose. The victims are;

Harry
Ron
Hermione
Fred
George
Voldemort
Bellatrix
Dumbledore
Sirius

Day 1-

Head Person: Okay everyone get in! You know the rules, anyone who comes out of this minivan, loses. Last one sitting wins!

*Everyone piles in*

Head Person: Good Luck....*Walks away*

2 hours later-

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: I'm bored!
Fred and George: Tell me about it!
Voldemort: Well, since you’re bored, I shall kill you...
Dumbledore and Sirius: 'EXPELLIARMUS!'
*Voldemort gets blasted out of the minivan and loses*
Harry: Well, that was fun. What next..

Day 5- Everyone is getting restless. Twice Bellatrix tried to beat up Hermione, while Harry ate so much candy that he threw up on Ron and they got into a fight. Dumbledore had to many lemon drops and said, 'I love you' to Sirius, and he switched spots with Ron.

Harry: I NEED MORE CANDY!
Ron: No you don't! You just threw up all over me! ARE YOU CRAZY!
*Dumbledore gave Harry some lemon drops.*
Bellatrix: Ugh! I surrounded by these idiots! I'm out of here! *She leaves with tiolet paper stuck to her pants*
Sirius: Ugh, I'm bored...

Day 5- Everyone is getting restless. Twice Bellatrix tried to beat up Hermione, while Harry ate so much candy that he threw up on Ron and they got into a fight. Dumbledore had to many lemon drops and said, 'I love you' to Sirius, and he switched spots with Ron.

Harry: I NEED MORE CANDY!
Ron: No you don't! You just threw up all over me! ARE YOU CRAZY!
*Dumbledore gave Harry some lemon drops.*
Bellatrix: Ugh! I surrounded by these idiots! I'm out of here! *She leaves with tiolet paper stuck to her pants*
Sirius: Ugh, I'm bored...

-----------------------------------

Day 5- Everyone is getting restless. Twice Bellatrix tried to beat up Hermione, while Harry ate so much candy that he threw up on Ron and they got into a fight. Dumbledore had to many lemon drops and said, 'I love you' to Sirius, and he switched spots with Ron.

Harry: I NEED MORE CANDY!
Ron: No you don't! You just threw up all over me! ARE YOU CRAZY!
*Dumbledore gave Harry some lemon drops.*
Bellatrix: Ugh! I surrounded by these idiots! I'm out of here! *She leaves with tiolet paper stuck to her pants*
Sirius: Ugh, I'm bored...

------------------------------------

Day 14- Everyone is starting to eat pieces of the car. Also they are starting annoy each other and start having hallucenations.

Fred: I like eggs...I like eggs...
George: Oh SHUT UP ALREADY!
Fred: I like eggs...
Harry: Ugh...I don't feel well
Hermione: Well, thats because you pigged out on candy the past 9 days!
Dumbledore: I like Lemon drops...
George: Great! Now he's going crazy!
Sirius: ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!

------------------------------------

Day 21- Lets just say Sirius wants to kill himself...

Sirius: Ugh! I wanna kill myself!
Dumbledore: Oh Sirius, don't talk like that!
Fred: I like bacon...I like bacon
George: Oh great now it's bacon?! What happened to eggs?!
Fred: I like eggs...and bacon...
George: UGH!!!!! *runs out of minivan crying like a baby*
Harry: What a baby!!
Ron: Tell me about it! Wizards cheese anyone?
Hermione and Harry: Wizards cheese?
Ron: yeah, instead of chess men you use pieces of cheese!
Harry: lets play!!
*Ron takes out set and they play!*
Dumbledore: Lemon drop anyone?

--------------------------------------

Day 29- I have nothing to say...

Fred: MONKEYS!
Harry: What?
Fred: There are monkey's outside. Aww...how cute...
Ron: okay...you have gone crazy
Hermione: Thats not possible...I think your hallucenating! I have read it some where in Hogwarts, A History
Sirius: Maybe Madame Pomfrey should take a look at him.
Dumbledore: .....
Harry: THERE AREN'T MONKEYS OUTSIDE! GET A HOLD OF YOUR SELF FRED!
Fred: Yeah there is! I see two of them kissing. Aww.....
Dumbledore: .....

-------------------------------------

Day 36- Still have nothing to say....

Harry: Oh my god, I see a baby kitten outside!!
Ron: Thats not a cat, it's the head person!
*head person comes in*
Head Person: Okay everyone, it is time to vote one person out of this minivan. You have now been in here for 36 days, just to let you know...*hands out paper*

10 minutes later...

Head Person: Okay hold up your papers!

Harry: kittens
Ron: Fred
Hermione: Fred
Dumbledore: Lemon Drops
Sirius: Dumbledore
Fred: Eggs and bacon!

Head Person: Fred, you have been voted out of Survivor, goodbye! *Fred disappears in thin air and head person leaves laughing hystarically*

-------------------------------------

Day 42- You don't want to know...

*Harry and Ron fighting over a wizards cheese piece*

Harry: Give it to me, it's mine!!
Ron: No, it's mine!!
Harry: no it's MINE!
Ron: GIVE IT TO ME!
*They tug at it one more time and it rips. Ron and Harry look at each other, and they start beating up each other*
Hermione: Guys, stop!
Harry and Ron: NO!! *Hermione backs off*
Dumbledore: Guys, Ms. Granger is right.
Harry and Ron: Oh shut up!!!
Sirius: *snores cause he is sleeping and yelling out 'Casper the friendly ghost' which causes Ron and Harry to stop fighting.*
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Dumbledore: Huh??

-----------------------------------------

Day 51- ......

Sirius: *sleeping* CASPER, DON'T DIE! *Wakes up to everyone staring at him*
Harry: Why in the world are you screaming out Casper?
Sirius: Because he's my best friend, and he's right behind you! *He points to nothing behind Harry*
Ron: Huh? Sirius what are you talking about?
Dumbledore: I like lemon drops...I like- hey theres a donkey out side eating a banana!
*Everyone turns towards the window, see nothing, then turn towards Dumbledore and throw him out of the minivan!*
Hermione: Do that again!!! Do that again!

--------------------------------------

Day 64- Like I said, Hermione is going crazy!

Hermione: *crying* I want my mommy!!
Harry: I want you to shut up!
Hermione: NO!!! I want my mommy! *Leaves minivan, crying*
Ron: Who would have think it?
Sirius: Its thunk, not think!
Ron: Blah, blah, blah...
Harry: I WANT CANDY!!!
*Harry looks aruond the car and sees cat food*
Harry: Oooh, chocolate covered raisins!!
*Takes a piece and eats it*
Ron: Harry, you know thats cat food right?
Harry: It is? *looks at the bag* Oh well! *eats more.*

---------------------------------

Day 71- Ron and Harry are fighting over the cat food. Sirius is crying because Casper died, and lets just say things are about to get more out of control as they battle to be the last one in the minivan.

Harry: I like kitties!
Ron: I...I...ugh! I don't know what I like! *Starts crying*
Sirius: Oh shut up! You guys are acting like total idiots. *slaps both of them* GET A HOLD OF YOURSELFS!!
Harry and Ron: Do that again!
*Sirius rolls his eyes and slaps them*
Harry and Ron: Thanks!

-------------------------------------

Day 79- So who wins?

Harry: Ugh...Ron?
Ron: Shut up!! I don't want to hear it!
Sirius: Both of you shut up!
Harry: NO! Look! *he points to the ignition*
Ron: Theres keys in there!
Sirius: How come we never noticed before?
Ron: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
All: ROAD TRIP!!
*Sirius jumps in the driver's seat and turns it on*
All: Whoo!!!
*Drives off*

Head person: HEY COME BACK HERE!!!

All: YEAH WE WON!! LETS GO TO VEGAS!

Source: www.cosforums.com

2009-07-19T14:15:00.000+08:00

Girl Has Accident In Jacuzzi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgNWisEriJw

Counter Strike News

2009-07-15T16:09:00.000+08:00

Counter-strike

Counter-Strike

Developer(s)	Steve Ballmer
Publisher(s)	1337
Engine	Diesel
Release date(s)	Whenever there is a new h4x
Genre(s)	h4x based
Mode(s)	Aimbot, Wallhax, Speedhax, ESP, No-recoil No-spread
Rating(s)	h4x0rz: 40+ (M) n00bz: whiny kids 12+ Gheys (not allowed)
Platform(s)	High Heels Stilettos
Media(s)	1.44" floppy disc or Betamax or BBC/CNN
System Requirements	Intel 386 processor, 60KB RAM
Input	Life

Counter-strike is a drug in disguise of an online terrorism simulator that is used by radicalisedMuslims with internet access to practice in a virtual world acts of terrorism such as bombing and hostage taking. It is popular as some sort of perverse game in the west, where people are oblivious to the support they give terrorism by playing it. Muslim players are also able to play as the po-lice (known in the game simply as '5-0'), in order to "get inside their heads". Recently declassified information from the CIA does suggest that terrorists, and some communists, are literally able to enter your brain. Counter-strike is excellent for perfecting skills with Islamicfavourites such as the AK-47, explosives, and explosives that fail to go off properly but do release smoke. It is estimated that with just a month's experience of the map cs_747, it would be easy to repeat 9/11, and that playing de_dust2 would facilitate running into an Arabic tourist resort and shooting people indiscriminately.

In addition the world of counter strike has often been used to simulate regular family fall outs, using the map office to simulate the intense fighting and slaughter that will often occur afterwards. The main objectives, if the game goes onto office, is to kill the people who stand still and scream when you shoot them. Killing them will get you 4 bonus points and a Magic Chicken. Magic Chickens (#magicchickens @ irc.gamesurge.net) have the capability of spreading bird flu to the opposing team, the members of which suffer a horrendous tragic death. Immediately afterwards, everyone in the game explodes and Oprah ascends from hell to feast on the remains.

Terrorists and US, in a small map with many places to hide (play with yourself). Camping like a pussy is a very important part of the game since it lets your teammates get killed first allowing you to take out the enemy team while they tea-bag the rest of your team. Monks have been witnessed playing this FPS as an anger release, or just for blowing their load over sweaty men with guns.

NOTE: You cannot pick up your dead teammates' guns, since the guns in this game will explode as soon as the owner dies. This is a much more effective way to blow up targets than planting bombs.

Counter-Strike (commonly abbreviated to CS) is a tactical first-person shooter video game which originated from a Half-Life modification by Minh "Gooseman" Le and Jess "Cliffe" Cliffe. The game has been expanded into a series since its original release, which currently includes Counter-Strike: Condition Zero, Counter-Strike: Source, Counter-Strike: Anthology and Counter-Strike on Xbox. Counter-Strike pits a team of counter-terrorists against a team of terrorists in a series of rounds. Each round is won by either completing the mission objective or eliminating the opposing force. The latest incarnation of the game, Counter-Strike: Source, is based on the Source engine developed for Half-Life 2.

The game is almost entirely based on the dynamically streamlined multiplayer experience activated via Steam, and is currently the most played Half-Life modification in terms of players, according to GameSpy.[2]

Counter-Strike was developed first as a Half-Life modification. Therefore named "Half-Life: Counter-Strike." The original version was a 3rd-party Half-Life modification, but since then it has grown into a commercial mod and later advertised as a separate game in itself. It still uses and runs on the Half-Life game engine and is based on its unchanged structure.

Counter-Strike is a first-person shooter in which players join either the terrorist or counter-terrorist team (or becomes a spectator). Each team attempts to complete their mission objective and/or eliminate the opposing team. Each round starts with the two teams spawning simultaneously, usually at opposite ends of the map from each other. A player can choose to play as one of eight different default character models (four for each side, although Counter-Strike: Condition Zero added two extra models, bringing the total to ten). Players are generally given a few seconds before the round begins (known as "freeze time") to prepare and buy equipment, during which they cannot attack or walk/move (a player can still take damage, having the player drop from a certain height during freeze time was the only way somebody could control the players starting "HP"). They can return to the buy area within a set amount of time to buy more equipment (some custom maps included neutral "buy zones" that could be used by both teams). Once the round has ended, surviving players retain their equipment for use in the next round; players who were killed begin the next round with the basic default starting equipment.

Standard monetary bonuses are awarded for winning a round, losing a round, killing an enemy, being the first to instruct a hostage to follow, rescuing a hostage or planting the bomb.

The scoreboard displays team scores in addition to statistics for each player: name, kills, deaths, and ping (in milliseconds). The scoreboard also indicates whether a player is dead, carrying the bomb (on bomb maps), or is the VIP (on assassination maps), although information on players on the opposing team is hidden from a player until his/her death, as this information can be important.

Killed players become "spectators" for the duration of the round; they cannot change their names until they spawn (come alive) again, text chat cannot be sent to or received from live players; and voice chat can only be received from live players and not sent to them (unless the cvar sv_alltalk is set to 1). Spectators are generally able to watch the rest of the round from multiple selectable views, although some servers disable some of these views to prevent dead players from relaying information about living players to their teammates through alternative media (most notably voice in the case of Internet cafes and Voice over IP programs such as TeamSpeak or Ventrilo). This technique is known as "ghosting".

Development

This section requires expansion.

Mods and scripts Though Counter-Strike is itself a mod, it has developed its own community of script writers and mod creators. Some mods add bots, while others remove features of the game, and others create different modes of play. Some of the mods give server administrators more flexible and efficient control over his or her server. "Admin plugins", as they are mostly referred as, have become very popular (see Metamod, AMX Mod and AMX Mod X). There are some mods which affect gameplay heavily, such as Gun Game, where players start with a basic pistol and must score kills to receive better weapons, and Zombie Mod, where one team consists of zombies and must "spread the infection" by killing the other team (using only the knife). There are also the Superhero and Warcraft III mods which mix the first-person gameplay of Counter-Strike with an experience system, allowing a player to become more powerful as they continue to play. There is also a Star Wars mod, where you get a lightsaber instead of a knife, have special abilities according to a starwars character, also receive a rank based on the U.S. military ranks, and the objective is to capture the flags. The game is also highly customizable on the player's end, allowing the user to install or even create their own custom skins, HUDs, sprites, and sound effects, given the proper tools. Also some mods have a feature called rollthedice, where something bad or good happens to you when you type rollthedice.

Cheating Counter Strike has been a prime target for exploitation by cheaters since its release. In-game, cheating is often referred to as "hacking" in reference to programs or "hax" executed by the user.

Typical cheats are:

Wallhacks, which allow the player to see through walls. These work by altering the display driver to display objects that are normally obscured, or altering game textures to transparent ones. The only objects seen on the hacker's screen are those close by. The server will not send you the characters of the whole map, so you can not see across the whole map. Speedhacks, which give the player increased speed. These work by sending false synchronization data to servers. No recoil, which keeps the player's gun shooting straight on the y axis without a kickback by removing gun physics. No spread is used to make a player's gun shoot straight along the x axis. Aimbots, which helps the player aim at enemies. These work by moving the player's view to anticipate an enemy's position. ESP, which shows textual information about the enemy, such as, health, name, and distance, and also information about weapons lying around the map, which could be missed without the hack Barrel hack, which shows a line that depicts where the enemy is looking Anti-flash and anti-smoke, which remove the flashbang and smoke grenade effect. This branched off the wall hack. Valve has implemented an anti-cheat system called Valve Anti-Cheat (VAC). Players cheating on a VAC enabled server risk having their account permanently banned from all VAC secured servers.

With the first version of VAC a ban took force almost instantly after being detected, and the cheater had to wait 2 years to have the account unbanned.[4] Since VAC's second version, cheaters are not banned automatically. With the second version, Valve instituted a policy of 'delayed bays,' the theory being that once a new hack is developed which circumvents the VAC system, it will spread amongst the 'cheating' community - by delaying the initial ban, Valve hopes to identify (and ban) as many cheaters as possible. Like any software detection system, some cheats are not detected by VAC, and at times the only effective anti-cheat solution is a human administrator watching an online game. Some servers implement a vote system, in which case players can call for a vote to kick or ban the cheater. VAC's success at identifying cheats and banning those who use them has also provided a boost in the purchasing of private cheats[citation needed]. These cheats are updated frequently to minimize the risk of detection, and are generally only available to a trusted list of recipients who collectively promise not to reveal the workaround.

Release When Counter-Strike was published by Sierra Entertainment/Vivendi Universal Games, it was bundled with Team Fortress Classic, Opposing Force multiplayer, and the Wanted, Redemption and Firearms mods."[5]

On 24 March 1999[verification needed] Planet Half-Life opened its Counter-Strike section. Within two weeks, the site had received 10,000 hits. On June 18, 1999, the first public beta of Counter-Strike was released, followed by numerous further "beta" releases. On April 12, 2000, Valve announced that the Counter-Strike developers and Valve had teamed up. Counter-Strike 1.0 was released around Christmas 2000. On January 25, 2003, a world wide competition was held by Valve and hosted by Dell. Numerous Dell desktops and laptops were awarded in the competition which attracted over 10,000 participants. The competition was held over a two week period, with the winner ("b0b") being announced on February 15 on Valve's website.[citation needed] On 15 September, the current version, 1.6, was released.

In 2004, Counter-Strike: Condition Zero was released. It contained a single player campaign and bots, as well as other changes.

Counter-Strike was originally played online through the WON gaming service, which was shut down in 2004,[6] forcing players to switch to Steam. The non-Steam version of Counter-Strike (version 1.5) can still be downloaded from sites such as FilePlanet.[7] Due to the closure of WON, part of the player community responded by creating their own WON network, dubbed WON2.[citation needed]

In March 2007, Valve implemented mandatory advertisements through Steam in official maps and in the game's GUI overhead. Customers have expressed frustration with the ads, including an over 200 page thread on Valve's official forums, saying that they violate original terms of service and distract from the game.[8] The thread was later deleted by an unknown moderator.

Main article: Counter-Strike Online As of February 2008, Counter-Strike Online is only available in South Korea and is now in open beta test. It is being developed by Nexon Corporation with oversight from license-holder Valve Corporation, and is an attempt to increase market share of Valve's games in the Korean gaming market.

Reception Retail sales of the Counter-Strike franchise have reached by December 2008:[9]

Counter-Strike: 4.2 million Counter-Strike Condition Zero: 2.9 million Counter-Strike Source: 2.1 million

Legacy Counter Strike is famous for the culture surrounding it, which includes everything from professional gamers and leagues, to excessive cheating and disruptive behavior. Certain professional teams (such as SK Gaming, alternate aTTaX, mousesports and fnatic) have come to earn a living out of it, while other clans and community based groups neither lose nor earn money via member donations which are self-sustaining in return for administrator rights in servers involved in the community.

Counter-Strike remains extremely popular to this day. There are currently professional online leagues supporting Counter-Strike, such as the Cyberathlete Amateur League (CAL), and CyberEvolution, a pay-to-play league. Various LAN tournaments are held throughout the world, with the largest being the Cyberathlete Professional League (CPL), the Electronic Sports World Cup (ESWC), the World e-Sports Games (WEG), and the World Cyber Games (WCG). Championship matches in these events are televised with commentary and analysis.

Half-Life and other contemporary games took full advantage of hardware graphics acceleration in the late 1990s, replacing earlier software-rendered games such as Quake. The continued popularity of Counter-Strike has meant that older video cards such as the 3dfx Voodoo3, ATI Rage 128, and Nvidia RIVA TNT2 remain useful.

There have been a multitude of games claimed by their developers, reviewers and fans to be "Counter-Strike killers," but none have seriously been able to dent its overall popularity.[citation needed] Server statistics in 2002 showed that Counter-Strike servers outnumbered their Battlefield, Unreal Tournament 2003 or Quake III first-person shooter counterparts at least 3 to 1.[10][not in citation given]

However, as criticism of Condition Zero showed, the GoldSrc engine has already been surpassed by several generations of newer engines. Even Counter-Strike: Source has been criticized for not progressing the gameplay enough and failing to take full advantage of the Source engine.[11]

The Chinese government has used Counter-Strike as a tool for tactical training. [12]

Controversy See also: Video game controversy – Brazil Counter-Strike faced controversy in April 2007 when Jack Thompson, now a disbarred attorney from Florida, predicted that the perpetrator of the Virginia Tech Massacre had been trained to kill in the game, well before Seung-Hui Cho (the shooter) was identified. News sources originally stated that Seung-Hui Cho only played the game in high school, however no video games whatsoever were found in the gunman's dorm room, and there is no evidence that he ever played Counter-Strike.[13][14] Thompson also blamed Counter-Strike for the February 14, 2008 Northern Illinois University shooting perpetrated by Steven Kazmierczak on the day after the shooting. While it is reported that Kazmierczak played Counter-Strike in college, news agencies point out that mental health issues, and not video games, were the likely culprits in the shootings.[15]

On January 17, 2008, a Brazilian federal court order prohibiting all sales of Counter-Strike and Everquest and imposing the immediate withdrawal of these from all stores began to be enforced. The federal Brazilian judge Carlos Alberto Simões de Tomaz, of the Minas Gerais judiciary section, ordered the ban in October 2007 because, according to him, the games "bring immanent stimulus to the subversion of the social order, attempting against the democratic and rightful state and against the public safety

[edit]Equipments

Counter-Strike Beta Version 6 cs_italy with cameo apperance by Mr. Garrison.

Defusal kit - the only for the Retards who don't actually know how to get some scissors and cut the brown wire (or is it the red one? or the blue? green? yellow? DAMMIT I GIVE UP). To win the game, one of them will have to spend $200 on a defuser. Then, they need to plant the defuser in the defuser-site (A or B or C, where A=B=C=terrorist spawn). Terrorists must camp and protect the defuser site, otherwise they lose the round!

The tricky part is to plant the defuser as close to the terrorists as possible, but don't worry, if you drop it, your teammates who shot you and blinded you with flashbangs will surely pick it up and plant it where it's supposed to be. Watch out for terrorists, as they might run away from the defuser's power, in an attempt to hide a small piece of plastic called C4 somewhere far away in the map. If some terrorists did get away, nevermind, you have planted the defusal kit in the right spot - now you only have to wait for the round to expire (just like a "capture the flag" game), However, if the terrorists somehow stumble upon your defuser, they will use its magic powers for evil and hunt the cts down and kill them and then gang rape their dead bodies.

NEVER, under any circumstances, attempt to follow the terrorists with the piece of plastic, you don't have to do that - you are an ANARCHIST, it's not your duty. If you do follow them, they are also going to use their magic powers for evil and hunt cts down and kill them and then gang rape their dead bodies.

Terrorist wearing teh night vision goggles.

Night Vision Goggles - Outliving the stereotype that "the goggles do nothing", Night Vision Goggles allow the user to do almost anything except see in the dark (not a big worry as it is rarely night anymore). Additional training with the goggles allows x-ray vision, laser-beams to shoot from the eyes and the bonus of respect for buying this super bling. A must have, usually on sale during the first few seconds after entering "de_dust".

One of the finest weapons in the game.

Most people who buy the night vision goggles are pros who play counter-strike 24/7. In fact thay play so much that their eyes melt away to the point where the only color they're able to see is green and black. They are then forced to buy the night vision googles because it is the only way they can continue playing the face melting game.

Don't forget to throw a few flashbangs! They release a certain powder that is picked up by the goggles which supercharges them to grant you the power to turn all the players in to hot ladies for you to see through their clothes with the goggles x-ray vision!

Shields - these only available to CTs. The main use of shields is to throw them offensively at someone, hence their reputation as an offensive weapon. When a round begins, the ALTimate 1337 move is to throw the shield at a teammate that is holding a Desert Eagle and laugh at the newb as he is instantly crushed by the impossible weight of the shield.(approx. weight being 600000000+kg)

When in an intense pistol fight with a Terrorist, throw your shield at him and by Valve's newb program, the T will automatically pick up the shield. Point and laugh at the newb that now can't burst-fire because of the shield and shoot at the shield (not the T) because the shield will crush him with just a few hits from your pistol.

These are the only words you need in CS:S

[edit]Weapons

Counter-strike has several weapons you can buy. The weapons are a very good extra feature because they make it easier to shoot your opponents. Not all weapons are equally balanced, however, and some weapons are very good though dirt cheap while others are expensive but useless. Here is a list of some of the most popular weapons, sorted from most to least effective:

For $2000 you can upgrade your knife to an awsome bigger knife with a long handle. WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT!?!?!

Knife - The Ultimate Weapon. Only ninja 1337 pros ever have the skill and balls to kill someone with a knife. To kill someone with a knife, you MUST make sure your enemy has seen you coming. Knifing him without this will cause the server to call you a coward and the admin will probably say "LMAO ROFL NOOB UR MOM SUX BUSH" and then he bans you. If you are fighting a noob in a knife fight, you must kill them horribly and then type in all caps "SHANKED" to inflict more humiliation on him/her. You must also make utterly sure that the enemy is NOT reloading and has a M3 Shotgun and nades lotsa nades lotsa nades lotsa nades....

Contrary to popular CS belief, the knife can be thrown. To throw the knife, simply hit G and aim for the enemies' head. This will cause the knife to go through their eyes and blind them, similar to a flashbang - but permanent. It is also possible to throw the knife at the enemies' crotch. Just hit G and aim at their crotch. After they die from this humiliating kill, type in all caps "LMAOROTFLLOL HAHAHAHA". Doing so causes the person in real life who is playing as the enemy to literally also get a knife thrown in his crotch. Or if it happens to be a woman, she will immediately start menstruating.

Some players cheat by downloading the katana skin and replacing the knife with it. This is a grave offence; although it is more ninja, it will result in you being sued by Valve.

C4 - C4 is the terrorist's toy. It is useless, as it can do no damage, and will mostly bring death to the terrorist which carries it on his back. So remember, if you have the C4, go run behind a teammate and press "G" to drop it to him. This is just like a water-bomb game - the last one caught with the C4 loses! But if you somehow wander in a bombsite with the C4, watch out! If it starts to blink you're in grave danger! If you see a counter-terrorist near you, try to use your flashlight to signal him. When he stops to peek you, show him the C4 and start jumping in crouch mode. This is a secret double-agent code! Do not attempt to drop the bomb in the site by clicking "MOUSE1".

If you have the c4, stay put and hold it there until the CTs arrive and save you! THIS IS HOW YOU WIN! But if some other terrorist plants the bomb don't just stand there jerking off, go to the bomb site and kill him - remember to flash him first! If he's hiding, go jump on his head flashing your flashlight! Remember - THIS IS A TEAM SPORT, you must cooperate with the others!

[edit]Pistols

Behold the awesome power and ownage of the Desert Eagle .50AE.

Desert Eagle .50 One of the old Counter-Strike favourites from the Jurassic-beta era, the Desert Eagle .50 (Five-0) is a light hand gun, which can be easily carried around the pinky while walking. It is very cost effective in the late rounds of a match, as the power of this gun is huge. People use these guns in demolition work, as it is much easier to shoot down a building instead of bombing it with a controlled detonation. There has been rumor that the Chunnel was dug with the world's first Deagle.

The perfect secondary weapon that goes with the Deagle is the AWP. When buying a Deagle, remember that extra rounds are not necessary, as you can use this gun with only its default 7 round clip. Heck, you could kill 100 players with 1 round, if they were standing in line. Remember, never reload with this gun since it is possible you might get knifed in the back by your own team! If you ever run out of ammunition, use the gun to physically HIT your opponent in the head by switching from knife to deagle really fast (pistolé whïp). No enemy can stand the incredible damage of a 1 TON GUN; however, if the enemy is too far, throw the gun at him by pushing the G button. It won't go far, but you'll cause an earthquake that will kill all Japanese players and maybe knock down your enemies for the round! FATALITY!

Remember that Counter-Strike is a cliping game, so your d'eagle will be seen on the other side of most walls and boxes, but never doors, because of its size - designed to compensate for the size of your penis. If you really want to be 1337, start the round with only 1 round in your d'eagle, camp and wait for the enemies to gang up on you - then - shoot yourself; aim for your legs if you can't feel your head - try to shoot your "Achilles weakspot", and if it doesn't work be sure to pre-configure this line into your config.cfg:

bind +mouse1 say "TELEPORT ERROR!; kill; wait; Good to be back on the mothership,

but where's Data? Man, I need a blowjob;"

Sometimes dynamic weapon pricing will cause this gun's price to explode, and consequently if you purchase the gun, you can get one shot headshots without having it equipped. Some of these types of players will run around with a Desert Eagle, on a mad killing spree that ends only after the price of the deagle increases to twice the amount of money you can actually make in the game (16k x 2 = 32k).

Also beware, this handgun has the bad habit of making people lose their head, so if you don't want to hit the head, directly aim for the head. If you do want to behead your enemies, aim for the neck - yes, most players have their heads in their necks, due to the training given in CS/Terrorist Boot Camp consisting mainly of old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle re-runs. The rationale? They are to this day undefeated because of their head hiding prowess...

228 Compact - Possibly the most useless piece of metal ever made.If you melted it down it can actually be sold back to valve at a profit. The reason for this is that whenever you aim ANYWHERE it always gets a headshot for you. This is a good thing though. The bad thing is that it takes approximately 167 headshots to kill someone with this lump of crap which is more ammo than you can carry. It also falls apart if you fire more than 3 rounds without reloading. This gun is usually what a shotgun shell holds

The weapon isn't completely useless however.If you hit G then you can run up to an opponent and mercilessly bash their skull in the with the gun. But beware, if they are wearing the helmet, cuz then they will just laugh and say "FUCKING NOoB LolZ1!!!" and proceed to shoot you in the testicles.

This weapon is so rare that there was once an expedition to find it. They traveled for several weeks playing every map even the crap ones like fy_ubar_1337_v2_redone_super_new and classics like de_dust. They hunted for weeks to no avail not even the bots carried them. When asked why they only responded "Negative" and proceeded to get stuck on a door. They finally found one on the server -=Cr4zy S1mb0l5=- where a n00b was found to be carrying one. Before he could be approached for comment he rushed long A and was promptly shot. Further comment was hindered when he apparently couldn't find the "y" key (Say_all).

USP-.45 - You get what you pay for. And apparently you paid for (only if you are a really stupid terrorist) a gun that makes the noise of a baseball card in the spokes of a bicycle (or air moving through a broken fan if you have the 'silencer' on) and has the power of a toothpick shot using the power of a fart. Nonetheless it still is better than the glock (but its like comparing dog crap to cat crap) Apparently when the CT's and the terrorists were drawing straws for guns the terrorists got the short straw.

Glock 18 - The starting weapon of the Terrorist team, this pistol is as reliable and as cheap as a donkey - but slightly less powerful. Despite the fact it actually gives your opponent more health by shooting them, everything else is good - no, fantastic, in fact. It also comes readily equipped with a silencer to make your attacks more sneaky, but can be rendered useless if the opponent has a 5.1 Surround Sound system, where the players' breaths can be heard. Wait no, there is no silencer, hahah sorry. I lied, that's the CT pistol. The Glock 18 has two firing settings, slow and super-slow. Slow is normal, and super-slow will actually cause players to die of old age, rather than from the bullets fired.

It is rumored that one certain modder (identified only as 'Tron') got high with his ghetto homies and decided the glock would be the 1337est gun eva! The next day at work he created the glock with the power to rival that of six (count 'em six!) rocks; unfortunately he got high again and accidently placed a virus on the gun called 5k1ll5uck3r. To this day no one has been able to remove said virus not even Gordon Freemanhimself.

In conclusion, an epic pistol that should be used in schools everywhere.

FN 5.7

This weapons is the most expensive CT pistol available. It's a light gun that holds nearly three times as many rounds as the Deagle, and is therefore 10 times as heavy and 18 times more accurate. If you are 1337 enough to aim this gun, you can use it as a sniper rifle, the other team will appreciate someone using skill over spray and reward you by running up and knifing your shins regardless if you've spotted them. This gun's high rate of fire and high recoil will make it impossible for you to kindly decline their gift. After you die, your team-mates will thank them for you.

It is generally best to hide in a concealed location where you can shoot at the other team. When shooting, be sure to fire very slowly and aim at their feet to compensate for recoil. They will be dead before they are able to find you and fire repeatedly in your direction. If you are called acamper, it simply means you did your job right. Do this for the rest of the map, they will NEVER take an alternative route and shoot your face. Ever.

Dual Elites

The Dual Elites are the most expensive pistols available to T's. One look at the name should explain why: this consists of three guns. One is held by your left hand, one is invisible and compensates for your small penis size, and one is held by your other left hand. To prove that your are ULTRA1337, at the beginning of the round, fire 29 shots at your teammates (so that they can prove they are ULTRA1337 by winning a round with reduced health). Then with 1 round remaining, rush the enemy position.

When you see the enemy, tauntingly fire the last round at your foot and run around in circles reloading while the enemy laughs and tries to knife you. Remember, the Dual Elites take 8 minutes to reload, so this is a good strategy to distract CT's that are trying to knife you away from the bomb site. Keep running in circles. If you are not dead yet after reloading, press '~' and type 'kill'. You will instantly be added to the Admin's friend list.

The Dual Elites do have a bad side to them to, which is represented in the form of not being able to shoot very accurately, making it harder to hit your (teammates/comerades/friends/gang/foes/schoolmates/fellowpelicans). This is only a minor drawback, therefore making the Elites a fun gun for all the family. Bind Mouse1 kill.

The secret purpose of these guns is clear though. Empty your guns into the ceiling and then get into a knife fight (the other player must abandon all guns though) and then you toss them your guns. They will have a moment of confusion when they believe Counter Strike Jesus has changed their knife into pistols, then they will have a moment of panic in which they try to load their gift from Jesus, they then will die.

[edit]Submachine Guns

UMP 45 - your a sillygoose For only $1700, this submachinegun is one of the best weapons available in Counter-strike.This weapon fucking owns and you should only buy this gun. It is cheap, easy to use, accurate and it fires slowly so you do not have to miss so often when it recoils. When you fire it, make sure you have lots of room around you, and stay in one spot. You can easily keep your crosshair on your target and fire away without trouble, and your opponent should be dead within the hour. It has a 25-round magazine, which is more than enough to last a whole round if you can kill everyone with a headshot. However it sounds dull. Like a 0.005 stroke lawnmower. It also has a striking resemblance to a dentist's drill.

Sometimes, the weapon model is modified to look like that of a ES Fiveseven so that players can say "ROFUL I BANGD UR HED OF WIF A 57even!!11onez!1" it will make u dump ur pants

MP5 - By far one of the best all-around guns in Counter-Strike. It is relatively cheap and can be bought on the second round most of the time, and has a high ROF, making it ideal for close to medium range combat. It's also decently accurate and damaging.

If you want to be 1337, you'll embrace the MP5. That's what all the Asians do, at least the ones who aren't AWP whores, or people with a toe jammed up their ass.

And since it's German, it's 2 1337 4 words.

Ingram / MAC-10

Chuck Norris killing n00bs using a MAC-10 even before CS was ever invented.

This is perhaps the ugliest piece of shit in Counter Strike - and is also the ugliest SMG in real life that's why Americans were sorry they ever invented this weapon, and let the Israelis do what they do best when designing an SMG with a butt-ugly perpendicular pistol grip (and of course killing Palestinians). Its sound is as ugly as its appearance. The sound of a MAC10 in full auto sounds like a hobo taking a dump while farting at the same time. One may wonder what the creator of this gun was trying to tell (his life story perhaps?), but let's not get into that.

Also, its high rate of fire plus its compact size makes it difficult to aim, therefore making you uber 1337 when you master this weapon. Asians (especially Koreans) despise this weapon because it has no sc(+)pe and you cannot kill an enemy with one shot. Or perhaps they're just AWP whores and cannot kill an enemy without a scope because of their small slanted eyes. Hey, who could blame them? I would use a magnifying glass if I had those eyes too - it would be impossible to see a horse standing just a few feet away with those eyes anyway. And come to think of it, maybe that's why they are such bad drivers! I'm getting out of the topic, let us talk about the MAC-10 again.

The MAC-10 was popularized in the mid-80s by Chuck Norris. It is very rare to see someone using this weapon in CS. Aside from the fact that only uber 1337s are the only ones that can actually use the weapon to kill an enemy, they also refrain from using the MAC-10 out of respect for Chuck Norris. And if you noticed, an ugly piece of worthless shit such as the MAC-10 looks good in the hands of Chuck Norris.

[edit]Shotguns

Benelli M3 Shotgun - This is the most 1337 gun in the game and if you are seen holding the gun, people will go "h0ly Sh1Z h3 h4s T3h l\/l3!!!!!!!!!!!1111" Reason is because when you shoot this gun from far, the bullet will split into millions of rice balls and kill everyone in front of you. If you shoot it at near range, the bullet will bounce back and tears your head off.

Benelli Shotgun XM1014

So easy to use, even Steve Hawking can use it. For those who can not bother to pull the pump themselves, this will do all that for you. Be warned, using it too much will cause excessive heat to build up in the weapon causing it to melt into molten metal. Alternate fire detonates all shells in the barrel causing self-death and death to all living creatures within a 40-foot radius. The gun's recoil has been so powerful that NASA has considered using the gun as a propulsion system for its new 10000000 ton space shuttle.

[edit]Rifles

Er...Bob you know you ordered a galil...well it's here...

Galil - You'd think paying $2000 would get you something decent, instead you get an AK ripoff which somehow manages to not only weigh more than Gabe Newell and the Titanic put together but also does less damage than a pea shooter. Seriously - you're better off running into people carrying this thing if you want to do considerable damage.

Some have suggested throwing the damn thing but not only is that impossible (due to its weight it travels precisely 4 cm and is inclined to fall on your foot, dealing more damage then an AWP headshot) but also if you were to miss your opponent (he would have to be in a wheelchair or already dead), then you would generate a 9.0 earthquake and probably crash the server. Some have bought this weapon and thrown it on the floor at the start of every round just to cause mass hilarity and annoyance, but others at least try to to utilize its weight.

For example; using it as a door ram. The real fun starts when the admin turns off the gravity, allowing players to play dodge ball with the Galil; anyone who is unfortunate enough to be hit by it will immediately find himself somewhere near Pluto, before remembering that there is no oxygen and subsequently suffocating.

On a side note this is how the CT team always wins the sprints (50m, 100m) in the Counter Strike Lympics. They trick the terrorists into buying a "like-new" gun from the CT's and because of a contract loophole the gun is now sewed onto their legs thus reducing their speed to square peg through a round hole.

Would you like to spend an extra $500 to get a decent gun? You must be joking. Get the Rolex instead.

Famas - The most basic assault rifle for the CTs comes cheap; however a more experienced CT will know exactly that spending an extra $1000 on an M4 might just save his life in most situations. This has been proven and double proven by experienced CTs who die in combat only to respawn a few minutes later saying "ZOMG U LUX0R OMFG OK I USE M4 NOW U DIE NOOB"

But lets forget about the M4 for a second. The M4 does not exist, OK? Cool, read on:

The Famas is sturdy, curvy and has a nice navy tinge. Some have speculated that the colour of the Famas was the direct result of it's designers eating too much blue cheese. This has not been confirmed however, because after designing this weapon they were immediately guillotined to prevent them telling the secret of the bullet multiplier system (read below).

The Famas comes with an inbuilt ammo multiplier system, an awesome piece of technology which triples the amount of bullets shot when activated. This function can make the worst weapon in the game the best, by just a simple flick of a switch!(although most people believe that it is "lame" to use it and consequently when killed by someone using a multiplier system the player usually goes into hysterics and may even leave the server).

The Famas can hold its own against entities with such weapons as the Glock and the defuser kit. Some have even beaten enemies who had nightvision, a rare feat... it's not uncommon to see a well respected player say something like "LOLZ OMG!11 I JU5T PWNT U JUB WITH MY FAMAS AND JOO HAD NIGHTVISION ASWEL ROFL!!11WTF!!11" after which the admin will probably accuse him of hacking (especially if it was the admin who had the nightvision) and in 99% cases will result in a permanent ban from server.

As we can see, the Famas is a decent all round gun. There is, however one slight design flaw. Just as with the Galil it weighs more then the Effiel Tower and King-Kong put together. This does not faze CTs, however, because the Famas also comes with an inbuilt anti gravity system, which of course reduces its weight significantly, but not enough to allow it's user to run around with it as one would equipped with a Deagle.

j00 g0t pwNd by t3h AK47 n00b, lol.

AK-47 It is a relatively inexpensive rifle for $2500, yet most Counter-Strike players prefer to buy a decent Rolex watch when they have enough money. However, the Terrorists, left financially broke after the Rolex investment, as well as without anything that deals meaningful damage, will attempt to inflict pain upon the Counter-Terrorists in an AOL-like fashion; predominantly speech that is inundated with exclamation marks, claims of "RoFLhaXX" and other remarks such as "omg", "wtf", and "bbq".

It is considered an extremely flamboyant gun by most people due to the fact it is created using honey and pansies. Players have been known to suddenly die when faced with the end of an AK-47, scientists have not discovered why, but the leading theory is that the AK-47 fires a stream of badgers - causing extreme death. Only superhuman beings such as Burnt Face Man can handle the AK-47 since the recoil is phenomenal. The Rate of Fire is very reasonable in that only two seconds are needed before the next stream of badgers are ejected. In addition, the AK-47 has an unprecedented level of quietness - only 25,000dB during badger-ejaculation.

The AK-47 may be winning you over, but the UMP45 is simply the best gun in Counter-Strike, leaving the AK behind in a puddle of its own urine and badger semen, so think twice about buying the AK-47, and consider the UMP45, or at least a Rolex.

M4A1(337) -Often causes CT's to cum in their pants. This rifle is also a synonym for the term "0wn4g3". Literally tens of Counter-Terrorists alike proceed to soil themselves on a regular basis, in an effort to express their true love for the M4A1. Terrorists have an unexplained habit of stumbling into the line of fire of an M4A1.

Scientists theorise that this may be something to do with the controversial Red Squirrel Ceremonies held in North Antarctica every Monday, but remains unsolved until further tests are carried out. Sometimes, Terrorists become overpowered with a sensation that causes them to attempt to build their own M4A1s using the tools they carry around, namely rocks, cabbage and sand. However, a recent update for CSS now makes the rifle around 6,000,000 dollars, so if you're either friends with Bill Gates or a skilled 24/7 rifleman who has read every single article about CSS, it is suggested you don't buy it.

Other information about the M4A1:

Barrel length: 6 miles
Overall length: 2 light years
Maximum Range: 2 nanometers

AWP (Asians only) -May stand for "Asshole Without Penis." Players using this weapon are widely regarded as '1337', and for good reason. For one, it costs a whopping $4750, which means anyone who buys it is a 'playa' for having so much bling. Secondly, it is very inaccurate, and it doesn't even have a crosshair, so when you get kills with it, people praise you and call you the Grand Highmaster of Ownage.

Shots fired at point-blank range often miss their targets completely unless the zoom scope is used. Also the zoom scope makes it so hard to see your target because it narrows your vision, so if you get kills this way, all the girls chase you and propose nights of sex.

MY GOD SUpeR_n00bKilla137 USED THE AWP!!!!!

Unknown to most players, AWP bullets are caked in asbestos, ebola, T-virus, pictures of homosexual intercourse and fecal matter to ensure death even after surviving an initial gunshot wound.

And finally, it is the SLOWEST (yes, the m249 is not slower, thats just an optical illusion) weapon in the game therefore making it the most powerful(Nuclear bombs anyone?). Yet some T3H HAX SUP3RR 1337 n00bs believe it is as powerful as a nuclear bomb. We know this because one time a terrorist had a nuclear weapon ready to blow up and a CT pulled an AWP and said "d0n7 m00v3 n00b!" and the terrorist thusly defused the bomb and was promptly shot causing more damage than the nuke. Don't even point, just click.

It takes well over an hour to reload, during which a less experienced player using a Glock could well have called you a 'N00b' several times before you 'owned' him, giving you much satisfaction, and a slightly longer penis.

In summary, this is the greatest weapon on the game, just before the UMP45. If you're 1337, you buy 3 of this gun and then shoot your friend in the leg. This will make your friend happy.

Note: The orrigonal name of this gun was "fAWP" which means "for asian without penis" but since they pretty much have a monopoly on the rifle (plus a slightly longer penis) now they changed all that. I stuck my AWP in your mom... Moving on

SIG 550 - It's almost, but not quite, entirely unlike the G3SG/1. Firstly, and most importantly, it has a grey tinge, unlike the G3SG/1 which is black. This means it does not get lost in dark places as easily as the G3SG/1 on dust2. Secondly it weighs exactly 34g more then the G3SG/1, which always causes complaints among CTs.

However, just like with the G3SG/1, using one of these will immediately cause the server to go berzerk, and may even cause pros to cry out, "ZOMGWTF1! I T3H G0T AUTONEBD LOL!!11eleven!!".

Of course, it is only avialable to the CTs, but thats a minor thing, after all the Terrorists get to purchase the SIG 552, and all they have to do is cross out the 2 and replace it with a 0 (preferably using tipex) to make CIA go "WTF HAX!!1 TERORIST NOOB CHEATER"

[edit]Wastes of money

High-Explosion Grenade - These weapons are just rocks with a firecracker strapped to them.
Low-Explosion Grenade - These are rocks.

A CT demonstrating the proper use of teh ROLEX.

teh ROLEX - This is the ultimate shit both sides can ever buy. This is also the most effective defense against Asian AWP whores. The mere sight of a Rolex in their rifle scopes will make them Asian (mostly Koreans) assholes blurt out "OFMg fckn n00b ha5 r0l3x!!!!111 LOL!!!!!!1 Adm1nadmin!!! I l0v3 k1mch1-s4n!!!!!!!!1111111" and then their heads will asplode. After their heads asplode their mom will call them to take out the trash and give them a third degree because its already 9pm and its time to go to bed, and something about not cleaning their room.

George W. Bush knows he can win the war in Iraq because he has 2 Rolexeses.

1337s also buy this to show off how 1337 they are by spending all of their money on an awesome timepiece (also an uberawsome weapon). They just run around the map killing people just by showing their bLiNgZ0rz and how awesome owning a Rolex really is. The Rolex can also diffuse a bomb 10,000 times faster than the stupid defuse kit if used properly by a highly experienced CT. This will make the T's shout out "LMfaoLOlzN0oUseR0l3xkickhimomgAdm1jn!!!!!!!11111", and then their heads asplode and then something about their moms making them take out the trash and some other worthless shit. However, this is a waste of money because after causing a nerdy asian's head to asplode, the n00b haxors show up with fake Rolexes. Once all the HAX Nubs have Rolexes, people automatically assume that you are a HAXOR Nub, and will proceed to knife you in the man tits. (Don't act like like don't have them, you fat nerd.)

[edit]People

[edit]Admins

The admins are the most 1337 players in the game. They are essentially gods but only because they have the powers of god. They frequently use noclip, set people on fire, slay people, and ban/kick people. They believe they only have the skills to have such powers and believe anyone not with these powers are not worthing treating with respect and dignity.

Of course they are usually the worst players but no one can tell them this because they will instantly be murdered for mentioning the admin. On occasion the hapless players on a server are caught up in an admin war. Admin wars are the worst possible thing that could possibly happen to a CS player (except being shot with the Glock).

The admins wantonly burn and sly players with out warning to prove which admins have more skill. These wars have been known kill every player on the server, cause 8 map switches in 2 minutes, cause gravity to be eliminated, people to fly, or for everyone to go broke.

Admin will also kick you for horrible fucking grammar. To become an admin, ask the admin to be an admin. Admin asks an admin for your admin. That admin asks another admin which asks to the first admin for your admin. That admin says: No.

Sometimes, haxors get cocky. They say "0000h l00k @t m33333!1!11!!!1 1m @n @dm1n. 1'm so fr3ak1n k00L." when an admin is standing right freakin there. The admin will then attempt to AWP the shithead hacker, but the haxor is such a pussy that they quit their browser before anything happens. This could cause the haxor to laugh his head off, because he now thinks he's "50 fr33k1n 1337" for making the admin look like a n00b.

[edit]The 10 Year Old Smart Ass

These are 10 year olds with superiority complexes. They are generally not harmful to your character's health but can be hazardous to yours if you totally own one and just roll of your chair laughing and bust your head open. They will often to proclaim to be people they aren't most likely FPS Doug or LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JJJJJJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNKKKKKINNNNSSSS!!!!! They then will proceed to act as that person (quite badly) and then tell you to "Cool it" even though at that time even Steve McQueen could walk in and claim you to be the second coolest person ever. They then will throw you several insults and it is imperative that you reply with the worst insult you can think of (it doesn't really need to be really bad because even calling them a 'fag' will slowly destroy them even though they claim "OOOh great insult"). At this point they will utilize the standard issue UR MOM launcher at which point you just say "Fuck you fag" and they will break down and cry to their mom's; who are the fattest crack whore this side of Jupiter.

[edit]The Spr4yer

He doesnt spray-paint he usually holds down mouse1 and tries to kill people with the machine gun from one spawn to the other using ballistics. If he didnt hit someone after emptying 8-100 Clips they buy a mp5 and a flashbang. Then they start to sneak around THE WHOLE ROUND holding down shift. When he hears a faint footstep (not regarding if teammate or enemy, first preferred) they throw that flashbang at the ceiling and full auto the gun shaking the mouse like his dick and ocassionally hit their enemy or teammate in their sixth middle toe. Then they actually spray some Tits or Boobs attached to Hot Women on the corpse and suicide.

[edit]The TKER

The best selling "Counter-Strike: Condition Zero (TK EDITION)"

Tkers (team killers) are by far the coolest people in the game. They relentlessly attack their own teammates in an attempt to cover up their small dicks. Tkers are typically the funniest people in the game and have the best sense of humor as they will Tk someone, get turned into a timebomb, and then follow the biggest pack of teammates in an attempt to blow them all to Kathmandu. After doing this, the Tker will usually respond to the cries of "FUCK U" "BITCH" and "NOOB" by laughing and saying something like "I JUST PWNED U BITCH ASSES 1337 LoLz!!!!!!1111

The TKer kills teamate

Team mate: omgwtfbbq WAI yU0 du Thadat!>!>??!?!?@one34123 2-1!!!! TKer: Lo1 juu0000 Di3s g0t pwtmnt!!>!>lolololoolloollol0000000005 Team mate: OFMG you Tym3b0|\/|b NAio!!!!!

[edit]The Lamer

A brainless fuck that runs around the whole time doing nothing but swinging a knife at nothing. They usually end up dead 20 times per game, even if impossible. If you see a lamer, just walk away or PWN his lame Ass. Also, lamers don't know something pro's know: 1+3+3=7. This is what you should know to be l33t. Sometimes they can say: Hey guys, can you see my message? Another lamer says: No. The first lamer says: How can I do so that you can see my message? What you should do in that case is walk up to him. Show him your 1337 bling and then stab him. He will probably say something like: Hey, how did you get that knife?

[edit]That One Guy

That one guy who nobody likes. He doesn't use hax or anything, but he's such a n00b that when he dies he always complains about "being lagged" or calls someone a "nub haxor" even though they didn't do shit. That one guy is most likely a seven-year-old. You can see tell-tale signs of this because the only things that they ever say are "dam lag", "u haxor", "dats cheep", "1'm 50 1337", or "pwned". The last of which they are never able to say because they suck at the game and will likely stop playing after a week of constant losses. Also, right before they send their message, they get their ass killed at least 3 times because the stupid nub take to frickin long to type in their message. To defeat that one guy, wait until he actually kills someone. During the 4 minutes it will take them to type "u just got pwned" kill their lame, thumbsucking, spiderman worshipping, bedwetting self. Then T-bag their body. OF course they will have no clue what your doing, thus ruining the point, but at least you can get the satisfaction that they will ask their mom what your doing, and that they will never be allowed to play the game again.

[edit]That Legendary Man

The hottest shit in the world. He doesn't h4x and is not the admin but he is th3 ult1mate pr0 with teh knife and goes around pwning n00bs. He can lag people, freeze their coms, confiscate their weapons, fly, teleport, shift boxes, closing de_dust doors, nuking people and teh worst of all, he cannot die. If you see a legendary man flying around, shout "0H NOES! ITS TEH L3GEND4RY M3n!!111 RUN!!!!!111" and type "kill" in your console. This should seal him up in a rock for some time.

[edit]The Sprayer

The funniest players in the world. They go around spraying people after killing them and finish their body off with a teabag. Usually they will be scolded by "OMG! YOU AM SPRAYER!! IM CALL ADMIN! NOW!" or "SPR4Y!! U SPRAY!". The sprayer will laugh or say "Thank you." Sprayers can even spray the body itself, by drawing on the dead body's crotch or ass.

[edit]Lagger

These guys lag - they will blame their ping which is over 9000 on the host. They will also blame hacks, and say OMG THOSE AZZHOLES KEEP ON TELEPORTING AND I CANNOT SNIPERZ DEM!@191!

[edit]Noob

See noob

[edit]Playing guides

[edit]Pro's How to play Guide

One of the greatest CS player. Right now, he's sticking his barrel into the wall in hope that he would see someone coming. In CS community, it's usually called Wallhack (lmfaololcheaterkickhimomg)

If you are a terrorist, make sure you have buy a Koran or the Bible as it will give you +200 armour. Also, killing yourself by throwing a grenade will give you +5 kills and will give you a pink status showing that you are a martyr.

Setting your name as [myg0t]Olive also helps.

This is kind of difficult for Counter - Terrorists, but not impossible. Simply follow these instructions:

Sponsor a huuuge amount of weapons for the Terrorists
Wait, until they attack you
Open your Userconfig.cfg
Add the line 'bind "F5" "say I suck dick for crack!"
Press F5 about 10²⁰ times
Make sure the others believe that YOU, yes YOU are an innocent victim and the others have the BOMB! (or other dangerous - sounding things)
Then just kill'em all (the Terrorists, of course)

Now you're a hero! Well at least about 50% of your team believe that

[edit]Noob's How to play Guide

This CT got special powers and is able to see through walls because he prays 5 times a day!

If you are a noob to this whole CS thing, this guide should help you to become t3h b3s7 3v4R CS p1aY3r:

Install Steam. This might be the trickiest part of the procedure as Steam absolutely adores to crash, give random errors, ban you, set you on fire etc.
Go to www.google.com
Type in "Hacks for counter strike".
Download and Install hacks (these usually come with an idiot quide so are quite easy to install if you have at least half a brain)You'll never uninstall them because you'll love them so much or the fact that they're viruses.
Start up CS. Click options, in name type: "I R H4X0r"
Open console and type: bind MOUSE1 "say LOL I T3H PWNT OYU!! n4B!1111!; kill
Join random server especially with VAC security and activate hack.
Enjoy being t3h b3s7 3v4R CS p1aY3r.
get killed and call somone else a hacker, then sit back and rofl away!
when leaving say "btw tbh with ya im using wall hacks PWND" and run like the french.
before you leave say "f#^k you all up the anal"

There you have it. You have become the best in 8 easy steps. Don't worry if it says you got VAC banned. It only means you got promoted.

[edit]George Bush's How to Play Guide

Read the terms and conditions approximately 20 times.
Look at the Steam Installation screen for a few hours, looking for a way to install the damn thing.
After the few hours are up, call someone up to come and install Steam and CS:S for you and annoy him with a speech for 3 hours.
Join the CT team.
I like chocolate milk.
Accuse the terrorist team of having weapons of mass destruction.
Start a massive speech on the War on Terror.
Start the War on Terror.
Ask the admin for a declaration of war.
Get declined and send your teammates to kill 5 of the terrorists listed as "Da AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMEEEE."
Have your 50 teammates be shot at by the remaining 30 terrorists who kill 1 of your teammates every hour and they kill .5 terrorists every hour.
Claim victory. Go home.
Claim your teammates are fine.
Get a final shoe slam on face.

[edit]Cheats

Open the console (if you're too n00b not to know how, go play golf instead). Type /cheatenable and then enter the following codes to get their respective effects:

/Obama: Your entire team turns into sheep.
kill "nick": Instead of writing "nick", simply insert the nick of the player you want to kill, and VOILA.
F10: Unlimited ammo and health.
/noob: Grants you infinite life.
/admin: Makes you the server's admin.
/ihatemylife: Gives you infinite cash.
/itsover9000: Goku will appear and kill everyone.
/homo: A special bomb explodes than makes everyone gay.
/suxor: Gives you t3H PWn3RINGG ULTI_FUCK-ING_M4T3 W34P0N LOLLlzlzl!
/fuxor: Grants you the power to enter the "/fuxor" cheat code.
/win: Gives you a Mirage Tank and 50 Attack dogs
/grue: Summons a grue which you can ride on and use to crush your enemies and teammates alike (who gives a shit about ur teammates?).
/stalag13: You get 30 days in the cooler.
/Commie: Everyone's money is given to you.
/Yanks: Makes team killing easy with no punishments. You can also invade the terrorist camp without the support of the United Nations - all you need to do is accuse the terrorists of harboring WMD's even if there is none.
/French: Super speed activated and you become invisible and makes you yell "WE SURRENDER!!!". This hack is handy when running away from the enemy or surrendering.
/Russian: You only have a bottle of vodka and become drunk (ok not the best cheat but is still funny).
/Soviet: IN SOVIET RUSSIA, GAME HACKS YOU!
/WMDS: The server blows up!
/shithappens: Everybody Dies!™
/pileofshit: It lets you play as the shit in the toilet of CS_militia.
/1337: It makes you the best of the server and everyone praises you by saying: Noob.
/hitler: Hitler will come and say "KILL EVERYONE!" and everyone will DIE.
/ihaveoverwatch: Allows your gun to shoot without reloading.
Alt+F4: Makes all walls transluscent, get the 1337est speed hacks, wall hacks, aim hacks and no recoil.
ctrl+alt+del: You can disconnect anyone you want from the game.
/chucknorris: Chuck Norris appears and delivers a roundhouse kick to all players in 1 second flat, including you. Kills all people playing CSS and makes the players computer explode into smithereens
/USA: Makes you retreat because you are a pussy and were too stupid to play war.
/Emo: Makes you equip your knife and slit your wrist.Repeats until dead.
/Brit: Has no effect, it's there for shits and giggles.
/nerdyNedry: take off that boobs from the screen, lady.
/circusact: Allows you to throw knives like bullets.
/Adult: Turns your squeaky 13 year old voice into a man's, more so if you're a 13 year old girl.
/Goldeneye: Allows you to dual-wield long guns (ex.: rifles, shotguns, SMGs, etc...)
/omgimsogoodicanpwnuallanydaycomebringituarseholesillpwnurbeep: It does a whole lot of nothing but i'll laugh if u type it
"Credit card number and expiry date": Enter your credit card number and expiry date for the ultimate wall hacks.
/thisissparta: When you melee someone, they fall into a pit of doom.
/W00t: I don't think so!
bind "w" "kill": Instantly activates wallhacking, aimbotting, speedhacking, and turns you into a super-duper-wtf-lol-
Go to my computer/local disk and right click windows, then do 'delete', this makes an ultimate hack! no recoil aimbot etc..:
Throw rock at computer screen, this is an even MORE ultimate hack, gives laser eyes, nooks, etc...
Throw computer off cliff, stab self, slit wrists, ultimate hack for any game, ever made
/give_weapon_(insert weapon name here): Gives you the corresponding weapon.

AND THE BEST OF ALLL*****

Alt + F4 to enable all that shit!!! (Of course, this is the the #1 choice if you are a n00b)

[edit]ZombieMod

If you want to play on a ZombieMod server, you usually have to email your Master's Degree in Difficult Mathss before they even consider thinking about not kicking you because your ping isn't quite right. Of course, you need to be a Buddhist High Priest before thinking about playing on ZombieMods yourself, as it takes a total of forever days for your computer to download the graphics that look as though they were designed by 4-year-olds armed with wet toothbrushes.

ZombieMods came about when when people realised how fun it would be if humans could fight zombies who ran twice as fast as well as being conveniently invulnerable to bullets. It is advisible that you hate every other player on the map, so that you have no problem turning them to the zombie side, or ruining their Sistine chapel-esque barricades.

It is also useful if your ego isn't so big that you sulk when becoming a zombie, as nobody is going to give a shit about the whines of an Ebola-ridden brat. Despite the only way of winning the game for humankind is as a team, people revert to their favourite hobby of selling down the river, when some bright spark decided to voice the fact that there is a 'me' in 'team'.

Blonde chick with a nice pussy

2009-07-08T22:11:00.000+08:00

Blonde chick with a nice pussy

2009-06-30T17:13:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everyone has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, and I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed
I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And the right thing for me to pick that mic back up
I don't know how I pry away
And I ended up in this position I'm in
I starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to beat this pain
Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips, with the fact that
I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet
I know some shits so hard to swallow
But I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
Copy
One tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

Walk my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Looking shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that...
I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need fucking man servin'
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like that
Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you don't have to walk no thousand miles

Walk my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Looking shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sOoOoo

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands with doubt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait but I know to unpack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
Every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tungue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson and cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where?
I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Walk my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Looking shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sOoOoo

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everyone has a private world
Where they can be alone... sOoOoo
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through OoOo
Are you reaching out for me, and I'm reaching out for you sOoOoo Oo Oo

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong. Daddy will be soon
And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put em on and wear em
And be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful

funny

2009-06-28T14:40:00.000+08:00

HyperSnap 6.61.01

2009-06-26T12:02:00.000+08:00

HyperSnap 6.61.01 En-De-Fr-Hu-Pl-Ru

Screen captures from Windows screen, and text capture without installation.
Download Portable HyperSnap on RapidShare (6.7 MB)
(md5: 0b629db7ec19d06267327e6cc75b365a)

Extract and run HyperSnapPortable.
English, German, French, Hungarian, Polish, Russian (no russian help).
Settings of installed HyperSnap should be preserved.

r3v0idi0t

TWENTY ONE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

Adult Themed Jokes

Download All Your Blogs with Blogger Backup, Easy Restoration

Download All Your Blogs with Blogger Backup, Easy Restoration

The Ten Most Amazing Facts About Microsoft

You Are A Net Addict If

HOW TO: Customize Your YouTube Channel

The Basics

In-Channel Editing

Extra Channel Tips

A-Z Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes

Things You'd Like To Say At Work, But Can't

What Is MARKETING?

Top 30 Reasons Why Cars Are Better Than Women

Romantic 1st lines.... Deadly 2nd lines

The Economy Is So Bad That

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

Be Careful What You Name You Children

Joke

Survivor- A Harry Potter Comedy.

Girl Has Accident In Jacuzzihttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgNWisEriJw

Girl Has Accident In Jacuzzi

Counter Strike News

Counter-strike

Contents

[edit]Equipments

[edit]Weapons

[edit]Pistols

[edit]Submachine Guns

[edit]Shotguns

[edit]Rifles

[edit]Wastes of money

[edit]People

[edit]Admins

[edit]The 10 Year Old Smart Ass

[edit]The Spr4yer

[edit]The TKER

[edit]The Lamer

[edit]That One Guy

[edit]That Legendary Man

[edit]The Sprayer

[edit]Lagger

[edit]Noob

[edit]Playing guides

[edit]Pro's How to play Guide

[edit]Noob's How to play Guide

[edit]George Bush's How to Play Guide

[edit]Cheats

[edit]ZombieMod

Blonde chick with a nice pussy

funny

HyperSnap 6.61.01

HyperSnap 6.61.01 En-De-Fr-Hu-Pl-Ru

Girl Has Accident In Jacuzzi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgNWisEriJw